The blessing in failing.

I've "borrowed" this blog title from Kirk Franklin, a modern day gospel musician and you can click here if you want to read his take on this subject.

The thing is that I've been VERY well acquainted with "failure" since we relocated to Texas almost 2 years ago, from the job whose funding vanished just before we came, to being laid off twice once for basically having asthma, to my inability to "connect" with a research group for longer than 3 months. But when I reflect on all this (and I've been doing a LOT of this lately), I realize that my resolve to finish medical school probably wouldn't be as strong had I not had those "failures". And I place failure in quotation marks because I really don't see what's happened to me as failure at all. I do see it as I time in my life where I "swam through a sea of bull****, lol!!! And while I haven't mentally moved far enough away from it all to see it as a 100% positive experience yet (yeah, I'm still salty about the research experience last summer), I am beginning to see the blessing in it all. For example, I have a much stronger appreciation for all the blessings I do have in my life like my regular interaction with young children and those with special needs. Yep, it just brings up all those warm, fuzzy feelings I have about the field of pediatrics, in combo with IM of course!!! My stay in small town America has also reinforced my surprising desire to work in a rural community as opposed to an urban one. Health issues among urban minorities is something to observe, but I had NO IDEA the issues minorities in rural communities deal with. WOW!! JUST WOW!!! At any rate, I'm also reminded of the broken promise to myself to refresh my Spanish since the plan these days is to stay in Texas indefinitely. But I'm also quite aware that just like Texas showed up on my radar out of no where, there could be another set of blessings disguised as failures in my future too, so I'll stay open to it all, while continuing to enjoy the ride!!!

From MCAT to shoes

Not much to update with these days due to my busy schedule, but my daughter and I did manage to do some "shoe shopping" after I'd put in some serious verbal MCAT work. Now I'm not as into shoes as my daughter and mother are, but when I do "go there", I GO THERE, LOL!!!! And here's what we ended up with:

Needless to say that after a Sunday brunch where we watching a football game, my feet were KILLING ME!! Clearly these aren't the shoes you wear to strut around in, these are shoes for sitting down being cute ONLY, LOL!!! Movin' on, I've finished my personal Physician/Scientist statement and will start gathering addresses for the numerous colleges and universities I've attended living in 10 or so cities/towns in my lifetime. And there's a LOT of data to enter into those med school apps which I'm going to start working on on May 1!!!! Interestingly, I don't feel an ounce of trepidation about applying to med school this year and it pretty much centers around my comfort level with where my family is at as it relates to my career goals. Put another way, I've simply run out of excuses on why I shouldn't apply, so I'm going to go for it!!! With that said, there's a ton more detail I'd like to share but I think it best to do so after I get my acceptance letters.;)

End of the road..........

Nope, I haven't given up on med school, LOL!! But I did decided to "back burner" my research project goals for a while.

What happened? Well, I had to make a decision because I clearly I have too much going on. So I decided that I would focus on those activities that bring me closer to my MD or DO/PhD goals or at the very least, facilitates the process. And that meant that I would prioritize my clinical volunteer work, doctoral coursework in computational biology, MCAT review, and tutoring over trying to get back into a research group in the immediate future. I guess I finally realized that trying to successfully complete a research project too would have been just too much, so decided to concede that something had to give. AND I FEEL GREAT!!!!!! :)

Of course, this is exactly what I think God was trying to tell me all along, leave the research stuff for the MD or DO/PhD program, and focus on med school admissions for now. And I have no explanation for why I was so hard headed but things are really cool right now. Busy, but VERY cool.

Other than that revelation, everything is everything as the young people say! :)

Abnormalities

 *image from medscape

First things first, I'm fine (though I'll be confirming soon with a second opinion). But when your hear the words "abnormal mammogram" for the 3rd time since 2002, it makes you "unable to concentrate" nervous for MANY days. So besides being VERY far behind in my classes, I'm happy because at least I have my health.

Interestingly enough, I decided to choose a local (county town) FP for my new family doctor which is ironic because: 1) I had kinda written off FP as a profession due to the constant turf battles with PAs/DNPs/NPs and 2) I wasn't sure a small town doc would "cut it" for me ie would be familiar enough with the medical nuances of Black folks. But it turns out that not only am I considering FP as a career option myself (a distant 4th to Heme/Onc, IM/Hospitalist, and Pathologist) my White, female middle aged FP suits me and my medical nuances just fine.

So other than that scary mammogram moment, everything else is good, MCAT study is moving right along but I find myself distancing myself (yeah, that's redundant as hell) from research these days., and feeling a bigger pull towards clinical medicine. I'm just not sure I'll be able to enjoy a research career as I have in the past enough to stick with it, though my "challenging experiences" over the past 2 or so years plays a huge role in those thoughts I'm sure. I am however crystal clear that what I'm learning in CS will be highly useful to my work as a Clinician one day.

Finally, health issues can be very scary especially when you've had them before. But times like these are a fantastic reminder that God's grace is never far away.

Return of the Mack

So I had a meeting with my new research advisor yesterday and what can I say, I left the meeting with a profound sense of appreciation for the fact that I have FINALLY found another Prof who "has my professional back". I also realized that while my research rotation last summer helped me better define my interests in the interface between medical research and computer science, how poorly I was treated while working there left my self-confidence in shambles (and that very likely came across in the interviews I had last Fall which may explain the outcomes). So I'll continue to rebuild that but with a group that believes in me and what I'm ultimately trying to accomplish.

Moving on, my verbal reasoning review is going well and though I'm not scoring as well as how I performed on the exam, I'm pretty certain that all these years of reviewing for the MCAT are going to pay off big time. I mean how could it not and I also look forward to passing on to others what I've learned.

Well, my posts are going to be pretty short as I embark on a CS deep next few months while also preparing for the MCAT. I'll also be doing research though not regularly until around March, my CS intensive classes and MCAT review are going to keep me plenty busy until that time!

Now in the spirit of me putting the "mo back into the jo", this is one of my favorite "comeback" songs!

Still here and kickin'!!!

Happy New Year!!

So I didn't really disappear off the face of the earth LOL, I've just been SUPER busy with with intercession classes, moving, setting up a new home, and visiting out of town relatives. But now that the holidays are over, I'm back into "student"/premed mode as I start one of the busiest semesters I've had in a VERY long time!

The first 8 weeks of school be strictly programming classes with some MCAT review mixed in. Speaking of that, I need to adjust my MCAT exam date meter, there's NO WAY I'll be ready for the exam by April as I had originally planned due to my course schedule this semester. I am tentatively planning on a date sometime in July which I know is pushing it because I was considering applying early decision by August 1. And yes, I'm still interested in the MD/PhD program. As for my research, I meet this week with my new PI but no, nothing official is in play yet but I should know something more certain by week's end. However, as my grandmother used to say, "one monkey don't stop the show", so I'll keep busy with school and volunteering until something local and "fitting" comes about.

From comment to post: December 2014

There's a saying that goes something like when you don't get the thing you hoped for, it means God is preparing you for something even bigger...I think that applies here, cause I can definitely see much bigger doors opening for you in the near future!

Amen and amen again!!! :)

Next week I meet with my new PI to discuss the project I'll work on until I matriculate as a graduate student in the Computer Science department. Now I've talked MANY times this semester about research gigs I'd been offered that never came through. But I'm not worried in the least about this one because while I don't know this PI well at all, I'm not worried one bit about her "going left" with her decision to bring me on board. I know without equivocation that she "has my back" for reasons I'll discuss in more detail in the future.

The biggest irony of all is that this gig/school is located in the town we recently decided to relocate to before ANY of this other stuff came into play. In other words, if I had been offered a gig in the city we just moved from, my commute would have been over 2 hours one way. But I would have sucked it up and did it if I needed to like I always do. But now I don't need to. Now how cool is that? More importantly, I know for sure that the reason God didn't allow any of the other gigs to come through is because if would have been hell commuting back and forth everyday. So I should have just maintained the faith "that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Roman 8:28)". And this is all topped off my med school options that have students in their 40's in our new hometown!!!

Now as Christmas is approaching, we'll be busy making our new place a home, with everyone in our family looking forward to the future!! But no one more than me!! Moving forward, I must remember to "count it all joy.........it's going to get better"!!!