I know why the caged bird sings July 2014

                                            * Image credit wazoow.com

Over the years I've blogged and been actively involved in research positions, I've also thought about a category of blog posts which would address why I think URMs rarely stay in research careers/settings after earning a PhD. So in light of the dynamic of my current research group, I decided to start with a series of posts which will talk about the numerous challenges me and other URMs face in research and research like settings.

I chose the title of this series "I know why the caged birds sings" based loosely on the book by Maya Angelou (RIP) because it speaks to the things URMs often do to survive the often less than hospitable working environments in research settings.

So I begin with a list of what I've learned in my research position this summer:

1) Never work for an investigator that allows a member of the team to regularly insult you.

2) Never work in group where you're the only US born member of the team.

3) Never work on a project more than your paid for when #1 on the list is at play.

4) Don't ever expect anyone to support your professional goals until they have proven over time to support your professional goals.

5) Don't believe anything a PI tells you until you've known them at least 6 months and they've demonstrated an ability to be honest with other faculty and more importantly, other students.

6) And never EVER work for a PI that has publicly disparaged your department.

Looking over this list it would seem obvious that I should have recognized early on that I was not with the right group, but I always fool myself into thinking that if I outwork everyone around me and really know my stuff, I can overcome any obstacle put before me. And while having a very strong work ethic and knowledge base will eventually prove to be the right thing to do, it won't always work in certain settings, a lesson I should have learn after my stint in death pharma.

So I met with my other advisor yesterday and like my grandpa advisor, it's what she didn't say proved to be more telling that what she did say. She also mentioned me officially transitioning to the PhD program in the Spring of 2015. But given what I'm observing in my department now and the knowledge that I can do the exact same thing at another department of my university which is already in a joint partnership with the MD/PhD program, I'm just not sure any more that I'm in the best department for me. Yes, I'm still VERY committed to a PhD in Translational Informatics, I'm just not so sure staying in the department I'm in now will get me to that goal. But I thank God I've been blessed with other options. :)

The well is dry, and now you're thirsty?

 
How someone could think that the 10 years it took me to fine tune my expertise in Chemistry/Biochemistry/Pharmacology could be gained by a barely English speaking computer scientist in 2 weeks, I'll NEVER know. But what I learned last week is that the "sassy" female (of course) Assist. prof my group works with, thought exactly that. Really? NO REALLY??? Yeah, really!

There are some aspects of my current position which I purposely choose not to talk about on my blog because I didn't want too much "negativity" in print. But it turns out that sassy prof tried to convinced my PI that another member of my group could do the work I was brought on to do, as well as I to do it, while our PI was out of town for a couple weeks. Of course, when the guy fell so flat on his face during his presentation on Friday that he left a dent on the floor, my value to the group and her idiotic thinking, came to light. So after he failed to explain all the nuances of the chemistry involved in the project, our PI asked if I could do it with NO NOTICE. And why was I able to do this with NO problem? I'm ALWAYS prepared for this kinda thing because I seem to ALWAYS be in these situations. So to say that my presentation was a slam dunk is an understatement, my PI and the other members of my group, were quite pleased and praised my hard work. And yeah, I "keeps me" a presentation on "standby" of whatever I'm working on as this is part of my "Research for a Minority 101" of things that must be done to do stay "winning" in the research game!

Of course, none of what happened was a surprise to me given that sassy prof grilled me thoroughly during the interview and made the comment: "If this task is taking you so long, why should we hire you?". Now the fact was that if she had a better command of the English language, I would have better understood what she wanted me to do during the interview. And being the professional I am I didn't say that (although I wanted to), but I did respond with this:  "Well, you need to hire me because I'm the only one here with both the education and expertise in Pharmacology and Chemistry to support your research". 

Now with that type of an "introduction" to the group, I haven't been surprised that she's far from being my biggest fan. And this type of thing has been "par for the course" in my research career since forever, so it barely bothers me anymore. Fittingly, her thinking that my knowledge/expertise could be gained in 2 weeks, resulted in our PI not only getting into her arse after the meeting, but also into the poor guy who was assigned one of my tasks during the meeting after his presentation. And to think sassy prof had said to me at a meeting earlier in the week, in front of the ENTIRE group: "I  don't think we need you anymore", only to get her a$$ handed to her at weeks end, LOL!!!!

It's clear now that my PI realizes my value to the group, so I have some decisions to make, although the decision of NOT getting a PhD with this group is already made, it ain't gonna happen!!! The thing is that I really like what I'm doing/learning and I also wanted to present at national meetings this fall and next spring. Obviously if I change groups now, the fall meeting is likely out of the question, and possibly the spring one as well. So at this time, I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I will definitely be praying real hard about my next move before I make it.

So after my group meeting on Friday, I went to talk to my "main" graduate advisor, who is more like a grandfather to me in the years we've communicated both before I joined the department and since my matriculation. And after telling him the details of my experience (I hadn't mentioned anything until Friday), he gave me a LONG list of potential PI's he knows with slots available this Fall, including a few at one of the top 10 Universitys in the US. He then advised me to do some homework looking at all my options before making a decision. We also discussed my "timeline" for the MD/PhD and so far I'm right on schedule!!! And in a rather rare occurrence in my career, I can tell that not only is he very supportive of me, but immensely proud as well. And that kinda of support is worth it's weight in gold!! :)

Now I know this song by Fantasia is about her former relationship with that woman's husband, but I think my current group situation is apropos as well, ROTFL!!!

Regrouping

So it looks like I have some great options where my research is concerned and I've realized once again, that PI support much more than project interest, should be driving my PhD goals. Normally, students complete 3 rotations before deciding on a group, so I'm chalking this up to completing my first rotation, and keeping things moving.

A HUGE part of keeping things moving is going to be looking at ALL my options for my dissertation project. Including completing it at a major gov't agency through a joint program my school has with said agency. The big advantage to that would be that I would be paid at a higher rate because of the time I already have with the gov't. But that would also require a relo back to the East coast. Hmmmmmmm.

Other news is that I'm finally starting to get back to normal where my shoulder is concerned. And that's big because I'm still trying to get caught up in my classes. Speaking of that, it's been pretty cool to reflect on how much I feel like I've "grown" careerwise, learning more about clinical care than I ever thought I would outside of being a medical student/resident/physician. And what's really nice is that the work is just so darn interesting and necessary if the goal of improving health for everyone is going to met. I still have my SES based doubts about how "everyone" is going to benefit, but it is nice to know that what I'm learning/doing now is going to make me that much better of a Clinician. :)

Today, I'm leaving you with one of my all time favoriite gospel records. I especially like the line "God's gonna work it out, you gettin' ready to smile":

When beating the computer is not enough.........

While I'm still LOVIN' my life here in hot a$$ Texas, I'm NOT loving this PhD track I'm currently on. Yeah I get it, doctoral level work is typically no joke, but damn. THIS?!?!? AGAIN?!?!?

So, I get an assignment which extensively uses my background in Chemistry/Pharmacology and that is also the very first time I've applied my knowledge in this way. I complete the assignment with 93% accuracy/precision besting the computer algorithm they developed to do the same thing by 13% and a PhD in my group by 23%. Yet, that's STILL NOT good enough to warrant an extension of my research assistantship for the remainder of the school year. DAMN!!!

What happened? Well, once they had the knowledge they needed to improve their algorithm (which came from ME), it was decided that I wouldn't be needed past mid-August. So all that talk about my getting a PhD with this group as was discussed in my interview for this gig, went right out the window! Double DAMN!!!

I'd LOVE to say that this kinda thing is "new" to me or that I haven't observed it at other points in my career. But the fact is it's NOT. And this turns out to be the MAJOR reason why I don't advise ANYONE who wants a research career to get a PhD alone. Absolutely NOT!!

Movin' on, I've decided to take the new MCAT for a couple reasons not the least of which is that my old score expires this year and I tutor students taking the MCAT. So I'd need to be up to date on the new info anyway. What da' heck, I actually like the MCAT now having figured out how the darn thing works, LOL!!!

Momisms June2014

                            *AMC movie mother-daughter selfies

Doc201X: "You'll fall in love and you'll be screamin', dreamin', oooooooooh"!!

That's a line from the song Poison by Bel Bev Devoe, and I'm singing it after my daughter and I got back from seeing the movie "Think Like a Man (TLAM) Too!!".

DD: "That's not what's he's saying".

Doc201x: "Yes it is".

DD: "No it's not".

Doc201X: "How would you know, you weren't even an embryo when that song came out".

DD: "I know 'cause I know, and I also have the song".

Doc201X: "Yeah, well let's hear it so you can see how dead wrong you are. And when you're wrong, you'll owe me $5.00 from the bet you just made challenging my 90's music trivia" knowledge.

DD proceeds to boot up her iMac to the play the song and OF COURSE I"M RIGHT, ROTFL!!!!

Doc201X: "See I told ya. And you owe me $5.00".

DD: "I didn't agree to that".

Doc201X: "Doesn't matter, gimme my 5 "dalas" kiddo".

Laughter ensues!!! Then we commence to watch the first TLAM movie!!

That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger!!!

 
So this morning as I put the finishing touches on a document related to my response to my last death pharma gig, I'm reminded of why I would have been a hellva an attorney, LOL!! In fact, I would be  a "beast" my kid's words, should I decide to go that route and I have to be honest and say that I have thought about it a couple times, proof of which is that I blogged about it before. Maybe I'm just an idealist that needs a wake-up call that when money is involved, most people will do the wrong thing. Or maybe I just keep hoping that one day people will "do onto others as they want done onto to them or their loved ones". Or maybe I just need to make sure that I continue to build my business so as to avoid the kind of situations that was my last death pharma gig. The bottom line is that in the years since this country elected it's first Black president, the EEOC has had more claims filed with their agency than ever before. And that is so NOT a coincidence to me. :( Yeah, I'd be a beast in the courtroom..................................)

Moving on, I'm almost caught up in my class and taking my pulled/strained muscle meds as instructed has been key. I always forget that while I may feel (most of the time) and look like I'm in my early 30's, my body is in it's late 40's, LOL!! So, recoop time and medicating properly is key for treating minor injuries. I also had a moment this week where I thought "gee, this informatics stuff is kinda boring", then I reminded myself that I'll one day combine it with clinical duties, which will more than provide enough "action" for the slow informatics days.

So to keep myself focused and motivated, I spend a LOT of time reading the Resident boards of a popular site for Docs and it's fun! Except that on one level, I'm reminded how many working environments are LOT like middle/high school. Then I get disillusioned (again) and remind myself that no working situation is perfect (except that maturity is ALL I'm asking for), I'm really interested in locums work in undeserved areas, and I also have my own business to build too. Now how locums work and research are going to combine I have NO idea unless I do more consulting on research projects than actually having my own research group. Plus, the research environment has changed drastically since I started in the 80's, and I don't know if I think a research career as I originally participated, is a realistic possibility for anyone anymore anyway! Triple "any", ROTFL!!!

Settling in..............

                             *resting on my injured hand is a BIG NO NO!                                                             Especially without my wrist brace!!
So 1 month into my fellowship and my life has FINALLY fallen into place and what that really means is that I'm now used to being tired all the time. But as I ALWAYS say, I'm really enjoying life anyway!
Unfortunately, I'm about 2 weeks behind in my class because I injured my shoulder and also have carpel tunnel in that hand (my right, and I'm right handed). So things are moving VERY slow! That also means that my strongly computer driven fellowship program is slowed down as well. Luckily for me though, my PI and professor are giving me a LOT of leeway while I go through physical therapy and take meds that leave me very sleepy. Interestingly, I'd started using my left hand more just because I'd learned that doing so increases “brain power” and I can't get enough of that these days. I also use voice recognition software to complete the numerous summaries I have to write for the gazillion papers I have to read. However, I can't afford the $2K software that understands biomedical terms, so this often proves to be an exercise in extreme patience more than getting my assignments done in a timely fashion.

                                    *my quadruple screen work station
Movin' on, I'm also neck deep in my Orgo review for the MCAT and that's going well too mainly because I have a client taking Orgo I & II this summer. It's funny to be teaching a course I once flunked TWICE but I'm always amazed by what a little confidence and hard work can do! I just struggle to get my Orgo students to do the same!
Other news is that my kid and I have transitioned from a mother/daughter relationship, to being more like roomates and it's kinda fun. Until she drinks the last root beer soda (my favorite) and forgets to get more when we go grocery shopping. :( She's basically learning to be an adult even though she lives at home because I REFUSE to add another spoiled, irresponsible, entitled young adult to a population already filled with a LOT of them! She also started college ~1.5 weeks after graduating a high school and while a felt a teeny, tiny bit of pity for her not having much of a break, her full scholarship/participation in the Honors STEM program at her school came with certain responsibilities. Like starting college soon after graduating high school, so my “Black Tiger Mom” advice to her was to “suck it up and be thankful to God for this opportunity”. That said, she's adjusting quite well and I'm very proud of her efforts!!